APOCALYPSE...AND HOW!

"After careful study of all the evidence," Sheriff Quickdraw McGraw said over Penny's P-phone, "I have concluded that the death of Sylvester Sneekly was a suicide..."

The setting sun had just began to dip into the ocean, casting dark shadows on the orange-red tinted sand as Penny and I sat on the beach, listening to 'toon City's equestrian Sherlock announce unto the world his finding.

"...grieving over the death of his fiancée, Penelope Pitstop..."

"I hope Suzie didn't hear that," Penny said

"...went mad and sold all his assets, which he donated to Miss Pitstop's favorite charities, then blew up his own mansion..."

I wore a red one-piece bathing suit with a black turtleneck pullover while Penny wore a green bikini with her purple tee shirt with the white stripe and a black belt, on which her P-phone was attached.

The night crowd was just beginning to gather. The beachcombers and holidayers, partiers and makers of merry. All were coming down to enjoy a pleasant evening on the beach. And many made merry by kissing mary.

"...went to his brickworks and ignited one of the kiln retorts, knowing that the temperature gauge on it was faulty..."

"I'll never see what you get out of that," remarked Penny. "It's bad for your health."

"It saved our butts a month ago," I retorted with a sigh. "Yeah. A month ago. Penny, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

I stood up and dusted the sand from by butt, as did Penny. "Something's been bothering me since I killed Sneekly."

"Don't worry. Didn't you just hear the head Keystone? Sneekly's death is a suicide."

We started walking. "That's not what's bothering me."

"You feel bad about killing him?"

"That's just it. I don't. I should, but I don't. I mean, I took the life of a human being. Yeah, he deserved to die, but that's for a court of law to decide. What makes me so different from him? I mean, how did you feel about killing Dr. Claw and his MAD agents?"

Penny pondered my question for a few seconds. "Remember what you told me when I made my 'confession'? You killed in hot blood, Dink. Sneekly caused so much death and destruction just to get his hands on more money he'll never spend in a lifetime. You heard him, he was planning to kill more innocent people.

"Hell, if you should feel bad about anything, is that he got off easy. You were right, he should've been brought to trial. But I wouldn't worry about it though. After all, something good came out of all that crap last month."

I gave a sarcastic snort. "Other then surviving?"

"Yeah," Penny replied. "I have a new mom…and a new big sister."

Upon hearing that, I glanced to the Lamb. She just kept looking ahead with a knowing smile. She then paused, looking down at her P-phone. "Ya know, I'm tired of getting it from the horse's mouth..."

She took the P-phone and flipped open the lid.

"...The Hair Bear Bunch and I will be going abroad to capture three dangerous fugitives, an escaped homicidal career criminal and two terrorist sympathizers spotted in Amsterdam..."

She pressed a few buttons, changing Sheriff Quickdraw to Outkast. "...roses really smell like..."

"Sounds like ol' Quickdraw's going after the guys," Penny commented.

"Yeah, probably be chasing them all over the world," I replied.

"Sounds like the winning formula for a Saturday morning cartoon show."

"Maybe even a movie."

"Aren't you worried he might catch them?"

"We're talking about Quickdraw here, not Dick Tracy."

"Yeah, right. So, what's the plans for the future?"

"I'm moving out of 'toon City. I'm going back to Coolsville. Get the hell out of Dodge and work on my novel while I wait for the Idiot Act to get repealed. How about you?"

"I'm gonna give the 'normal kid' routine a chance. Don't have to worry about school. Got my GED when I was twelve. But the 'dating' part does sound attractive." Penny glanced out over the ocean, adding, "And I would like to go shopping for something other then…spy junk..."

"Think you'll miss 'adventuring'?"

"Probably..." I noticed that something had caught Penny's attention. Then suddenly, her eyes widened in horror. "...but I hope it misses me!"

And just as a brief drum roll sprouted from Penny's P-phone, I looked out into the ocean, sighting a small speedboat heading towards us. On board were two men, one driving, the other standing...and holding an uzi!

'That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane and Lenny Bruce is not afraid...'

"Jinkie!" I screamed as he open fired, missing us and killing about a dozen innocent bystanders as Penny and I hit the sand.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" we heard one little boy cry.

"You bastards!" shouted another.

'...eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn. World serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs...'

The boat veered off as it approached the shore, then headed out to sea. I looked around and saw our fellow partiers make haste for the street inlets, stampeding like a herd of cattle, flooding them as they tried to escape. Crushing into each other like they were at a 'Who' concert in Cincinnati.

"That was the Bully Brothers!" I shouted, lifting myself off the ground.

"And they're coming around for another pass!" Penny reported as she pointed out towards the sea. "Wowzers! We're in a tight spot!"

A tight spot, indeed. And as they again fired upon us, Penny and I ran, dodging bullets as little bursts of sand explode behind us, along with the chests, heads, etc. of more innocent bystanders.

'...feed it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength, ladder start to clatter with fear fight down height...'

"We're in a tight spot!" Penny yelled.

As the Bullies veered off and returned to sea, we continued to run. "Jinkies, the inlets are still clogged with people!" I cried.

"Look! Over there!" Penny said, pointing to an inlet that wasn't blocked.

"Good!" I said as we made our way towards the inlet. "The sooner we get off this beach, the..."

But as we entered the inlet, we found ourselves confronted by the Dinklers...only this time it wasn't about twenty dirty old men who wanted to stuff me (in more ways then one).  There were over a hundred, garbed in 'Dinkley' drag, and leading them was the lumbering form of Sydney Greenway.

"...better?"

'...wire in a fire, representing seven games, a government for hire and a combat site. Left of west and coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck...'

"There she is, my brothers!" Greenway yelled. "Our goddess has returned to us...along with her cute little friend!"

"And look!" whined Harry the Ghost Clown. "She's wearing a bathing suit! Look at those beautiful, chubby thighs!"

"Turtlenecks drive me wild!" yelled Mr. Wickles.

'...team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped. Look at that low playing! Fine, then...'

"We're in a tight spot!" Penny yelled again as we ran back to the beach, nearly getting peppered by the Bully Brothers' uzi. As they veered off a third time, Penny pointed towards a huge sand dune. "Quick! Behind that!"

And with that, we jumped over the sand dune, landing on our faces but finally gaining a feeling of safety...until we looked up and saw who was on the other side...

The Reverend Elmer J. Fudd. Millionaire. Who owns a mansion and a yacht.

And with him was the whole herd of his followers, all dressed in black robes. Some were carrying torches. Others pitch forks. Magilla Gorilla was carrying a large cross, about ten feet long with a three foot long bar halfway between the middle and the top. Augie Doggie was carrying some rope and while his doggie daddy held three large nails and a small hammer.

'...uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it'll do. Save yourself, serve yourself...'

But it was what Fudd was carrying that told the whole story. He held the dreaded object high above his head as he gazed cruelly down upon me. "Behold, vile and wicked cweature! A cwown of thwones...just for you!"

He then shifted his evil eyes towards Penny. "And we have pwenty of firewood...and gasowine...for you, you widdle twoublemaka!"

'...world serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right...'

Penny and I slowly looked to each other, then screamed as we jumped up and ran directly into the sand dune, leaving two human-shaped holes in a running form.

"We're in a tight spot!" Penny cried as we ran. "Hanna H. Barbera! Why is everybody trying to burn me up?! I mean, it's like this whole mess has been plotted and written by some disturbed, demented pervert!"

She then looked unto the heavens and added, "Right, Todd...uh, I mean God?!"

'...you vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched...'

Then suddenly, a large explosion knocked us off our feet. The Bully Brothers were again heading out to sea, one holding a smoking bazooka over his shoulder. "I think you better watch what you say, Penny," I reprimanded.

As Penny and I rose from the ground and viewed our dire situation, the Lamb replied, "I don't think it's gonna help, Dink."

'...six o'clock-TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign towers. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn...'

We stood back to back. Standing about forty yards to the left of us were the Dinklers while about the same distance to our right was The Church of the Holier than Thou Art, Inc. Both groups were at a standstill, evenly matched and competing for the same goal...me.

"Behold, my brothers!" shouted Greenway as he pointed towards Fudd's faithful. "They mean to defile our goddess! That's our job!" The rest of the cult then joined him as they threw curses at the church.

'...locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate...'

"Wook!" Rev. Fudd responded. "Bwasphemy! Heawsay! Oooooooh! We'll fix your widdel wed wagons!"

"We're in a tight spot!" Penny yelped.

"Would you stop saying that!" I demanded. "You're not fratta-rickin' George Clooney!"

Then Penny pointed to an inlet. "Look! Here comes the San Diego PD to save the day!"

'...light a candle, light a votive. Step down, step down. Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no fear cavalier. Renegade steer clear...'

I looked towards the inlet and sure enough, San Diego's finest, about a hundred men, stepped over the crushed and dying to entered the beach. As they viewed the carnage, head of the Department of Timezone Security himself, McGruff the Crime Dog, stepped forward and asked, "Okay, what's going on here? In the name of the law..."

'...a tournament, tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline...'

Then, he sniffed the air. "Do my nose, which always knows, detect the stink of maryjane?!" Then, he cast an angry glare at Penny and me. "It's coming from those two other there!" Then suddenly, the cops all pulled out their billyclubs and raised them high. "Come men! Let's take a bite outta crime!"

'...the other night I dreamt of knives, continental drift divide. Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs...'

"Yeah!" agreed one of his men, "Let's KING those two long-haired hippie commie faggots, 'LA style'!"

'...birthday party, cheesecake, jellybean, boom…'

Penny's right. Kissing maryjane IS bad for my health. Remember kids, say NO to drugs! Or this could happen to you.

'…you symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck...'

And with that, the leaders of the three fractions that wish to do Penny and me grave harm pointed their fingers at us and yelled out one single word:

"CHARGE!!!"

'...right? Right...'

I felt like I was in the middle of a scene from '300'. A countless horde came at us from all sides, stampeding towards us like three massive freight trains. I glanced towards the sea and saw the Bully Brothers approaching in their boat, now holding a rocket launcher that was aimed directly at us...and ready to fire.

'...it's the end of the world as we know it...'

We're in Hell.

'...it's the end of the world as we know it...'

"Well, whaddaya think, Dink?" Penny asked.

'...it's the end of the world as we know it...'  

I just shrugged my shoulders and sighed. "Here we go again..."

'...and I feel fine'.

AND ADA-DE-DE-DE-DE-DE-DE THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!